Novak - Yeah, I know. Heh, I guess this is the last time we'll be seeing eachother, huh, Poof Daddy?
Steven Smith - Agh, shaddup. But I admit, I guess I will kinda miss you.
Novak - You're not, uh, hitting on me, are you?
Steven Smith - Let it rest, Ed. This is a straight shoot interview.
Novak - I know. You're a poof.
Steven Smith - Novak...shut up.
Novak - Hehe...well, all right. I guess I should be serious, this being the last time I'll be addressing the UFW.
Steven Smith - That's the spirit. Ed, tell us about yourself: what you're like in real life, why you joined the UFW?
Novak - Well, my wrestling name is my real name. I'm Ed Novak, and I do live in the area of Peoria, Illinois, which you will likely only hear of if you watch ECW (which, by the way, rocks). Here's something that may suprise you, Steve. I've actually only been watching wrestling since the day after the WWF Armageddon PPV -- you know, where Steph turned on Vince and married HHH. It all started at VP Tristan...or should I say Mo's...house. I played Wrestlemania 2000 and watched Raw is War for the first time. The next day, I picked up a copy of Have a Nice Day, and my life has been changed ever since.
Steven Smith - Tell us a bit about your hobbies, your family...
Novak - Ah, why not? Guess what, everyone: I'm 16...though I'll be 17 in three days. I was actually planning on having the upcoming Wednesday, August 30th card be my final card anyway, but I guess Ross and Adam and Kit also decided it was time to shut down. I can't say I blame them, but I'm rambling. Anyway, my mom's a teachers with over 35 years experience (I was a late kid, or something), and my dad's retired. Yeah, real late. As you may have already known, I'm into games; Unreal Tournament and Half-Life on the action side, and Fallout 2, Suikoden 2, just about any Final Fantasy game, and really any other RPG. I'm also a fan of Age of Empires 2 (that's a lot of sequels), which played a part in my not doing the last Wednesday card.
Steven Smith - And? We're doing this in place of a PPV, Ed: we want more info.
Novak - Heh, I guess so. I'm a Senior in high school (it's my final year for you Aussies and Canadians and Brits with your weird grades), and plan on majoring in English Education, or whatever the proper name for that is, in college. In other words, I'm gonna be an English teacher. Up until last year, that was my best subject, but then I got Satan Incarnate (as did VP-T/Mo) as my teach. She retired, thankfully, but I'm still horribly scarred by the experience. I like writing, natch, mainly fantasy fiction, with knights and whatnot. In fact, every story I write stars a character very similiar to me named Edward. Hey, it's a cool name. That, combined with the fact that I simply suck at making up names, led me to name my wrestling persona after myself.
Steven Smith - So how'd you end up in the UFW?
Novak - Believe it or not, I got my start in a really small fed called the UWF (Ultimate Wrestling Federation), which I dominated, though I stuck to the Hardcore Title until I got involved in the UFW and retired in a way very similiar to Foley's Hell in a Cell against Triple H. I invented the Katana Match there, but I never brought it here. But now that I think about it, having a Katana vs Broadsword match with some hapless fool against Nemesis, ending with that kickass finisher of his onto his sword, would have been fun.
Steven Smith - You're sadistic...
Novak - The Most Sadistic SOB in the UFW...later the Co-Most Sadistic SOB in the UFW...and currently the Most Sadistic VP in the UFW. I mean, I'm the guy who had Revenant and Naket get run over by a limo.
Steven Smith - Well, we'll get to that. How did you end up here?
Novak - I can't remember the specifics... All I remember is, I found the UFW, got accepted, posted and open challenge, in which I sucked up big time to Layeth the Smack Down, and then received no reply.
Steven Smith - I remember that. There was a lot of reference to eating, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Novak - [laughs] Yeah, not much of a start for me, huh? I'll admit, it sucked. Well, deflated, I headed back to the UWF to continue dominating with my mad RPing skillz, but after a few days I got an email from the then-Prez, VP-L, or Ross, as he's known on the staff board. Ross told me that Layeth was a heel and wasn't going to reply (At that time, if you read the results, Layeth was a very reluctant face. In fact, Ross inexplicably refused to change his setting in Zeus to a face until I became a VP and did it anyway). Ross put me in a battle royal for a shot at some title or another, which I jobbed. So I tried again. This time, someone accepted...and I can't remember who. In fact, I think it was our current Commish, Biohazard, but I'm not really sure. Whoever it was, they jobbed for me, and I had a 1-1 record.
Steven Smith - It's about this time that your famous Bob and the Jobber Locker Room gimmicks started, wasn't it?
Novak - If I recall, the locker room didn't really start being a factor for awhile. But Bob premiered in my second interview, in a way: I was busy creating him in my basement. My third RP is the one in the Sample RPs section, in which I gave Bob a name and played Monopoly with him. Also, the Jobber Locker Room debuted, a moldy, mildewed room with a broken mirror, a dryrotted desk, and a cheap office chair. The door also had a tendency to get broken. After a few wins, I decided that my success in the UWF's Hardcore Division, and the fact that my character was based (loosely) in my real-life hero, Mick Foley, I went for the UFW's Hardcore Title. It was at that time held by a man named Cain Manson Crow...no one worth mentioning, really.
Steven Smith - Not worth mentioning? Crow was a legend! He's considered one of the two greatest Hardcore Champions of the UFW, with you being the other one.
Novak - Bah, 'twas nothing. Anyway, Crow didn't really notice me (that was a real problem for me back then). Ross, however, did. He decided to let me have a part in a match between the Gimp (one of his characters, more commonly known as "the leather-clad poofda") and Howler. I waltzed in, pinned Howler, sparked a classic feud with the Gimp...and didn't get my title shot.
Steven Smith - Yeah, but it was PPV time, and the second American Deathmatch was about to take place between Cain Manson Crow and Jake Douglas.
Novak - [grins] And what a hell of a match that was. I wanted attention, and, by god, I would have it. I ran in with Bob, only to get set on fire by Crow, who went on to win the match. That led to American Deathmatch 3, the third and final.
Steven Smith - Would you say that the American Deathmatch was the most grueling match you've been involved in? Much like Foley's Hell in the Cell with the Undertaker?
Novak - It was grueling, but it wasn't the worst. Being hung from a turnbuckle with a barbed wire noose, soon followed by being dropped off of the top of the UFW Tron through a stack of tables, was worse. But American Deathmatch 3 was bad. Real bad.
Steven Smith - The entire match was a classic, but one of the moves most remembered, and surely the one that you're most famous for, is the suicide Bob splash from the top of the cage.
Novak - [laughs] Yeah, even though it missed. Well, if you remember the lead-up promo to that, which I really think was my single greatest work in my UFW career, I guaranteed I'd perform that move. And I did. I just didn't hit anyone with it.
Steven Smith - Well, in the end it was Cain Manson Crow on top, though Douglas did walk away with the title following a previous match. And this began the famous "DOUGLAS! PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DAMMIT!" campaign.
Novak - Haha...yeah, that's right. Well, first, it was about this time that I got Mo involved in this. By this time, we'd made about 25 characters in Wrestlemania 2000, and Mo decided on Anguish (at the time, it was Bloodlust, but due to name conflicts, it was changed). Between the Craving and Mr. Poopy, the UFW has never been the same. Anyway, even though I was the top contendor, Douglas didn't give me a shot. And he didn't even want the damn belt anymore: he went straight after the US title, begging Myst (who I believe had it at the time) for a shot. This meant that I was ignored.
Steven Smith - And this is where the Jobber Locker Room gained so much fame.
Novak - [laughs] Yep, it is. The locker room became my main gimmick, and I was damned determined to get out of there! Finally, after several posts, and quite a few insults directed towards Douglas, Ross set up a match, since it had been two weeks and Douglas had to defend. He didn't have a chance. I walked out the Hardcore Champ, the same night as Layeth the Smack Down won the World Title for the final time.
Steven Smith - So, you had finally done it. You were the champ, you had ousted Douglas, and you were getting the biggest pop when you came out. You changed your music to Whiskey in the Jar, and then...
Novak - And then, I realized that either no one cared about the belt, or they were just too nice to try and take it from me. Next thing I know, I'm literally begging people for a fight. Finally, after holding the belt for a month and a half, I put it up for grabs in the first ever Novak's Fun House match. I also had a match with the Gimp, one which is undoubtedly the match that hurt me the most, both physically and mentally. It was, for all intents and purposes, the peak of the mountain.
Steven Smith - The only title on the line was that of the Most Sadistic SOB in the UFW, correct?
Novak - Aye. And that was a hell of a match. Ross and I actually each wrote half of it. He'd write a segment where the Gimp was winning, and then I'd write my way out of it and put him into a vulnerable spot. Finally, it climaxed with the ill-fated Brink of Insanity from the top of the Tron, through the stacks of tables. The poofda wrapped his whip around my throat, and we both smashed through the tables to the ground. Somehow, the new Hardcore Champion survived and was able to wrestle within the week, but I was out for a month.
Steven Smith - In the meantime, a new womens' tag team entered the UFW. Sexual Chocolate and Vanilla Thunder.
Novak - Ugh...I don't want to talk about that.
Steven Smith - Ah, come on.
Novak - Fine. The two characters were based on two girls in my school. Both were very, very large. While they lasted, they dominated the Womens' Division through sheer weight, until they were found dead of dehydration when they had tried to squeeze through a door together.
Steven Smith - Gruesome.
Novak - Yeah. Also, I became a VP around then, and did my first Wednesday War. It was great, as was the one after that, and after that, and so forth. Eventually, I decided came back as a wrestler, looking to the future. But the only future was a continued downhill slope, though I did try to get a few speed bumps. The Legion was formed as a counter to ???, originally consisting of myself, Anguish, and Insomniac. Unfortunately, Insomniac became addicted to sleeping pills and was killed alongside Roody Poo at Battle of the Titans. Fortunately, we planned ahead, and Myst joined our merry band. We adopted Marmalade as our song, won the Stables Titles belts, feuded with ???, and lost them at Ring Rage 2000 to the Brotherhood in the single most awesome stables match ever made. Thanks to me, of course.
Steven Smith - Aren't we humble? But yes, the match was amazing -- too bad you didn't ever do any other stables matches.
Novak - Quiet, Smith. But, yeah, I did start getting lazy. Nothing happened after that. The ???/Legion feud stagnated, and the Brotherhood took center stage against War (one of Mo's characters). They lost the titles to the Congregation in a match that never happened, and the Legion became unimportant. Mo decided to take a break, retired War and put Angy on vacation. I had won and lost the US Title, and had officially retired from wrestling. When Angy finally came back, he attacked Myst and dissolved whatever fragments of the Legion were left.
Steven Smith - Ah, but then things started getting interesting again. Revenant and the sHs started feuding with you VPs, giving you a chance to get back in the ring.
Novak - By that time, I was out of it. My cards were getting consistantly late, and I was getting bored with the UFW. The feud was interesting, but not enough to get my excited about cardwriting again. About the match, Revenant wrote us the script for the original, and I got to toy around with it. I added the limo and changed it so we won (I mean, come on, us losing was unrealistic), though some of the more absurd things (Naket using his finisher about 50 times, and the whole Pokemon thing) were Revenant's. Admittedly, I did give Reverend a whole new script, but no harm done. Anyway, we won, VP-L turned heel, and no one gave a damn.
Steven Smith - After that, your cards kept getting later, and later...and then you just stopped doing them. Why?
Novak - I lost interest! I just did not give a damn any more. And I felt guilty as hell about it, too. I knew people counted on my to do my job, but I just couldn't...I apologized like hell, and I'm still apologizing, for what good it does. In a way, I feel like I'm the guy who brought the UFW down. I know I'm not: Ross was spending so much time on the site that he was near being fired, Adam and Kit wanted a life, Mo was busy having a life, and Mike had just disappeared. Lewis/Commish Biohazard was the new guy, and wanted to keep the UFW alive, but in truth, without Ross's help there's no way that the UFW could remain open.
Steven Smith - What makes Ross so important?
Novak - Are you kidding? He does all the work: he worked with Kit on the website, he accepts the application, he emails newbies who haven't posted... Believe me, it's a hell of a lot more work than it seems.
Steven Smith - That reminds me, is it true that for about a month, you were the acting Prez of the UFW?
Novak - Yeah, following Kit's unsuccessful reign, I had an even more unsuccessful go at it and gave up at the 3 week mark. Ross is the natural leader of the group, and I don't think any of us wanted to replace him. And yeah, I'm the guy who let Black-Jack in. Hey, his sample RP was good.
Steven Smith - Well, we have your entire career history now, but how about some comments on the other staff members of the UFW?
Novak - Like I said, Ross, or VP-L, is the leader. He's older, wiser, and more patient than the rest of us (I mean, hell, we're all 15-17, with the exception of Mike, who's 21) and was always willing to do the work we weren't. If you have money to spare, send the guy a check or two. Next, Adam, or VP-M. He's the original founder, and was my stablemate for a time. Of late, his job was doing the cards that Mike or I didn't do, which basically meant he was one of the regular writers. There's Kit, or VP-K. Kit was the co-designer of the site update that was never finished. A good guy, if a bit skinny. Though he did make those Too Cool ripoffs. God, I hate Too Cool. That takes care of the Aussies side of the fence. In Britain, there was Mike, or VIP. Mike was always the guy who whined, no offense to him. I'll be honest, as, hell, it's a shoot interview: I didn't like Mimic. At first he was okay, but he shouldn't have been replacing Mike in ???, and he certainly shouldn't have won the TV and US titles. Well, whatever. Also in England was Lewis, also the Commish. Lewis, I'm glad you weren't around long enough to give up on the UFW. Too bad the rest of us did. Finally, in the States, Mo, or VP-T. What can I say? I've known the guy since 8th grade, and I consider him my best friend. I was glad I convinced him to join, though I feel kinda bad that I might have influenced him to give up on the UFW.
Steven Smith - What about others, such as VP-I, VP Body, and VP Geno?
Novak - VP-I is dead. VP Body won the Hardcore title and disappeared. And I never even knew VP Geno.
Steven Smith - Well, any comments on other members?
Novak - Hmm... I guess. First, to Jake Douglas: GOD DAMMIT! Next, to Nemesis: Wherever you go after the UFW, Nem, keep that damn finisher. And if someone doesn't like it, you have my permission to use me in a cameo to bash their brains in with Bob. Bruiser: Keep the character, and the valet. If you can, drag Bloodshed and Nemesis along with you, and open up shop again to kick some more ass. If anyone stands in the way of the Forsaken Brotherhood, they're going to have to like it, accept it, and learn to live with it. I got that right, didn't I? Hex: You get to take my belt home for good. Keep it safe for me, will you? Genocide: You were a great RPer. Too bad I kept forgetting to change your name in your intro. Revenant: Okay, I have to be honest here. You annoyed me at times with your pestering to become a VP, and your match really did suck. Still, your RPs were fun to read and you had some good ideas. JiN: You asked a question, I gave you an honest answer. And then you go and quit. "The Scholar" Howard Porter: Keep churning out those novels of yours. And stick with Dorkiman wherever you decide to go; you can either feud or tag, whichever you prefer. Professor Herbert Dorkiman: Don't write novels. Leave that to Howard. Keep making short, entertaining promos, and you'll go far. Oh, and do what I told Howard to do about sticking with eachother. You two were awesome. Chainsaw Charlie McDouglas: Where did you go? You said you were back, and then you never came back... Well, wherever you are, I hope you're enjoying yourself. Finally, to everyone else who I haven't mentioned here, good work. You all helped make the greatest eFed in the world, even if management wasn't too good towards the end. Thank you all for the contributions you made, and good luck in whatever you decide to do with your life. Have a nice day!
Steven Smith - Thank you, Ed. I hope everyone's enjoyed this interview, and I hope the future brings you success.
Novak - Hold on. There's something I have to do first. Just one last time, before I go.
Steven Smith - What's that?
Novak - Spam spam spam spam...spam spam spam spam...
Steven Smith - Oh, god.
Novak - Lovely spam, oh wonderful spam! Lovely spam, oh glorious spam! Spam spam spam spam, spam spam spam spam, spam spam spam spam, spam spam spam spam, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM...
SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!
Novak - Oh, yeah. And, one final time for those who remember...RIANS!
Steven Smith - Are you done?
Novak - Yeah, I guess I am.
[Novak gets up, as does Steven. They shake hands and grin, then Novak turns away and heads out the door. The camera follows him through the parking lot, where he stops in front of a cherry red Diablo. The passenger side door opens, and Trish Stratus, holding Bob, slides out, and clasps Novak's arm, kissing him on the cheek. He looks at the camera over his shoulder, grins, and gives a thumbs-up sign. Fade out. ]
